“Because what are finances, really, besides an ongoing series of personal decisions?” ~ Quote from Team Lemonade.
I love this concept because it reminds us that money isn’t just numbers. It’s a means to create a life that expresses our values and priorities.
You loved that your partner introduced fun and spontaneity into your structured life when you first started dating. But, deeper into the relationship when those impulsive amusements start creating debt or cutting into savings, they may feel less joyful to the partner who is saver and budgeter.
Couples often say to me in an embarrassed way that they have very different money personalities. I should hope so! My reply is that if I was married to someone with my money sense, we would have $5,000,000 in the bank and zero fun. And if my husband married someone with his money sense, they would be living in a Ferrari beneath a highway overpass.
So, you have a different set of money priorities than your partner, and that leads to disagreements. Here are three ways to communicate better and make everyone feel like their financial needs are being met.
- Set regular financial meeting times. Lots of articles call these “money date nights” or “budget date nights,” but who are we kidding? If date nights are devoted to budgeting conversations, you are really doing date nights wrong.
I do agree that, if talking about money creates tension, one way to work through that is to PRACTICE regularly. The other benefit of setting regular time to discuss money is so you can each come to the table prepared and no one feels ambushed.
Some topics you can be prepared to address:
- A purchase that you want, not really need, and how to fund it.
- A surprise bill (home repair, medical out of pocket, car accident).
- Medium term goals: Car purchase, home remodel, vacation.
- Longer term goals: Come to an agreement on what percentage of income should be directed to retirement, college, home purchase, or other life goals.
- Something that’s bugging you. Does your partner really need so much Botox or so many car detailings?
- Remember where the other person is coming from so you can treat differences with kindness. People’s history with money becomes extremely ingrained in their adult financial habits. Try to remember, the disagreement probably isn’t about YOU, but something your partner learned (and wants to imitate or avoid) from their parents.
Having said that, it would be good for each of you to understand how your partner grew up with respect to money. Was theirs a hand-to-mouth existence, or did they see a model of consistent earning and spending in their household? Did they never get a vacation as a kid and are making up for the lost experiences now? Did you experience financial insecurity as a kid that made you more of a money hoarder as an adult?
Discussing these past experiences can make a real difference in how you approach disagreements about spending and saving.
- Bring in an objective third party. This is NOT a shameless plug to hire a financial advisor. Okay, maybe it is a plug, but one with your best interest in mind.
The numbers don’t lie. Having a professional who isn’t emotionally involved calculate retirement, college, and emergency savings goals can go a long way to creating financial harmony.
It’s not just your spendy wife who thinks you have enough saved for retirement and can afford to have some fun. Joe Cool, CFP ® figured out that you have a great start on retirement savings and can afford to take your foot off the gas on those IRA contributions.
Or, maybe your husband thinks he “needs” to lease a new BMW every 2 years, but your financial advisor strongly recommends you double your 401(k )contribution if you have any hope of retiring by 75.
Either way, employing an outside expert allows you to create goals around real numbers, not just feelings about what is right based on past experiences and emotions.
Fighting about money is not a relationship-ender. In fact, it can open the door to learning more about your sweetie. Like disagreeing over anything, remembering that you love this person, and they love you will help ultimately reach a compromise that suits you both – at least a little.
